Goop: Fly Better

It’s entirely possible that you may have missed the latest GOOP newsletter (lol, what? you stupid fucking idiot) so I’m here, fueled by last night’s wine, a serious lack of sleep, and a general desire to ruin your day, to dissect it for you.

Let’s get started.

This edition of GOOP is all about flying. Gwynnnnie opens by saying:

“I fly all the time. Like, all the time.”

Like, ALL THE TIME?!?! Shit. You don’t say. Also, “Seth,” her “good friend,” flies “even more than she does,” and is going to help us “fly better.”

Gwyrnethh must be a super big fan of non-sequiturs, because right after she says Seth is going to help us, she posts this:

In case you can’t read the caption, it says:

“Here is a bedraggled working mother about to take an 11-hour flight… “

I, uh:

MUSIC TIME:

Playlists are important. Gwineyth shares her favorite flight-time tunes. There’s some Nas/Jay-Z (natch), some LCD Soundsystem, some Sigur Rós (presumably this is the anthem of her lulling her enemies into submission by solely using boredom and staring as weapons) and whateverthefuck this is: “Symphonie egyptienne no.25 mozart l’egyptienne.” But wait! I’m noticing a distinct lack of Coldplay in this playlist. What gives, G?

Alright, now she’s introducing us to other frequent flyers. Some Australian lady named Donna who is a “food stylist” and now Seth is back. I think Gwenyeth could potentially benefit from an editor who took a high school class on essay structure.

WHAT’S IN THEIR BAGS?:

This is Grneth’s bag. She sprays active silver in the air around her when she sits down. She sprays active silver in the air around her when she sits down.

She sprays active silver in the air around her when she sits down.

I took the time to Google all the items displayed here and I’d like to present to you the total cost of this useless collage of fuckery: $139. Not actually as bad as I thought it would be. Don’t worry, it gets much worse.

Donna, the Australian, says:

“This may be too much information, but before I slip into the airline pajamas, I coat myself in a really nourishing body lotion.”

What are “the airline pajamas?” I’m scared. Hold me.

CHOOSING A FLIGHT IS EASY WHEN YOU LITERALLY HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WHOLE WORLD:

“I prefer to fly the A380 as the cabin much less drying and seems to have a different pressure than an older aircraft. There is always a short stop-over en route to London and I choose the flights that stop in Singapore, as I prefer the airline lounge showers there.”

Oh. The cabin is less drying and you prefer the showers in Singapore. Yep. This newsletter is super relatable. I myself like to choose the flight that’s under $200 and that doesn’t have a layover in Dallas or Omaha. Tomato, tomahhhhto.

SEATS (this is going to be good):

I’ll just leave this here:

You’re right, Gywennt! This is the first image that pops into my head when I think of airplane seats. It’s not this or anything:

Here’s a gem for you!

“Air New Zealand has an amazing looking new feature in economy class on their new 777 service called Sky Couch. You purchase an entire row for just slightly more than two seats would cost.”

Thank god. This is something I’ve been looking for my entire life.

GETTING UPGRADES (BECAUSE YOU CAN’T JUST PAY FOR IT WITH ALL THAT MONEY YOU HAVE):

“On a Virgin flight back to Heathrow, I spotted one of the staff’s monitors that read, ‘Look for well-dressed people to upgrade.’ The staff then began looking around for well-dressed people to upgrade. I’m not saying this will happen every time, but if you are looking to get upgraded, it helps to look smart.”

Which translates to: “leave your Spongebob Square Pants pajama bottoms at home, you complete moron. Seriously, you are revolting.”

FOOD TIME (OR IN THIS CASE, A LACK THEREOF):

“I always find it best to eat really light when flying.”

I’m concerned what “eating light” is like for Gwiinyrth. Does she just smell her food? Likely.

“If leaving from London, I’ll usually stop at Itsu in Terminal 5 for some miso soup, as I’ve heard miso is said to counteract radiation.”

My number one concern when flying is counteracting radiation, so thank you for this.

Donna the food stylist just doesn’t eat at all. Presumably, instead, she slaps a tuxedo on an avocado and yells “VOGUE!” at it.

“I avoid eating out of boredom. Sitting for a 23-hour flight doesn’t burn that much energy.”

That first sentence is confusing. You avoid eating… because you’re bored? This makes no sense. Eating to combat boredom is super fun and should probably be an Olympic sport. I’d win.

DON’T TALK TO ME, YOU FILTHY COMMONER:

Seth:

“Unfortunately, most airplane seats are not equipped with ‘Do Not Disturb’ signs.”

Ugh, I know, right? Peons always tryin’ to be talking to me. I spit in your general direction.

FASHUN:

What we have here is a $75 tank top (left) and a $206 tank top (right).

What we have here is a $275 scarf (left) and a $175 scarf (right).

Then there are a whole bunch of leggings and some other shit. I’m getting tired.

They also talk about some books. I literally could not care less at this point.

…

What have we learned from this newsletter? If you’re going to fly, make sure you:

  • Have all the money, ever, seriously, if you’re not worth at least $10 million, don’t even bother flying, you dolt
  • Eat salty hot water to combat radiation
  • Freak everyone out around you by spraying something called “active silver” in the air
  • Stop over in Singapore every time because their showers are best and that’s important
  • Buy a whole row of seats on a plane so you don’t have to look at/touch/see/smell/acknowledge other humans around you
  • Listen to a nice mix of rap, super-hip indie music, and sleep-inducing ambient noise, but definitely not your husband’s band, because even you know it’s terrible.

Until next time! Thanks, Gwreiynthhh!